This post is dedicated to BG= best girlfriend. To be very clear, BG has all the “Bs”, beauty, brain, boobs, butt, and bravery. So she is not lacking in any way yet, there is always something that can bring a heroine to her knees. She asked me to write about the sexless relationship topic since it is a type of abusive relationship that is hard to recognize. Women feel alone because it is a difficult subject to talk to anyone about. They think it is their fault their husbands won't have sex with them, perhaps they are not pretty enough, or not sexy enough. They interpret the sexless relationship as themselves being abnormal, that they are the only women on earth with so much libido. All of which isn't true.

Sexless Relationship is Abusive Relationship

BG’s relationship with her husband might seem perfect to other people, but I know her marriage is experiencing death at its finest. Most men are sexual, however, some men have used sex to their advantage, as to control the women. Yes, believe it or not, women are not the only sex that have used this strategy. Some men are truly not interested in having sex with their long time mate anymore, and a some have low sexual desires. It can be more damaging mentally than a relationship with a sex maniac as you can not see the physical marks. A sexless relationship is mentally abusive. It is a parasitic emotional disaster that eats at the woman's self-esteem. The abuser is a husband, a provider, a friend, a kind person, a perfect citizen, and a great father. 

Can a Sexless Relationship Survive, Work?

I read some relationship articles recently to understand whether a sexless relationship, marriage can survive. Even when the articles claimed not to be  advising typical modifications, they still did. An interesting article in our local magazine called: “Stop Calling Him Honey…and Start Having Sex!” centered around preserving the dating etiquette. It started out sounding like BG’s situation and made me so excited in hopes of learning something to share with my friend. The couple got along great. They are each others best friends. They did everything together, except having sex. Sex less than once a month is what the author referred to as sexless. Although the situation was similar, the advice was typical:
  • Treat each other with dating etiquette. 
  • Call each other by first names occasionally, and less honey, sweetheart.
  • Tell your partner you love him/ her at least seven times a day. 
  • The nasty habits that you wouldn't dare share when you first date someone, you shouldn’t be sharing when you are married. 
  • Vice verse, the things that you do and steps that you take when you first date one another, should be preserved.
It sounded like a plan if you haven’t already committed the sins. Once you’ve crossed the line of dating etiquette into marriage, you could never go backward. Today, I am not giving advice, I am only  sharing. Advice is cheap, and the reverse of role playing doesn’t work if the relationship has already endured years of sexless living, it will eventually die. If your mate is fine with a sexless relationship, he will be fine again after the dust settles.


What To Do in a Sexless Relationship?


“What is BG going to do?” She loves her husband and she wants to be happy with him forever and after. But can she tolerate living the next 40 years sexless? Or have five-minute-sex with frustrations? When they do have sex, he ejaculates so fast that there is no point in having sex. She can’t sleep because of the frustration and huge disappointment while he snores and sleeps like a baby. She doesn’t know what to say to him as he laughs about their brief intimate encounters, apologizes, and shrugs it off. She, on the other hand, wished she could say: "Ok, that wasn’t good, but let’s do it again and this time stay a while." But that is a mute point in her relationship. It will be months, or god knows when they will have sex again.

Some women would say: “What the “f”? You thought that was funny? If I were you, I would spend some time figuring out how to make the equipment work better!” Poor BG. She is so sweet and doesn’t want to hurt her husband’s feelings. If you find yourself in this similar situation, you might as well put yourself in the category of abused! He is getting what he wants when he wants.

Recently, I ran across a question from one of the forums: “I Live In a Sexless Marriage | What Am I Supposed To Do?” This frustrated, sad woman was desperate for answers. Her husband told her he isn't attracted to her anymore, and that he still thinks about sex, just not with her. He holds her at night and tells her he loves her. So what is the problem? She thought it could be her weight while there were many responses from other commentators experiencing sexless marriages, they said it definitely wasn't because of her weight. I don’t agree with those comments.

What is the Cause of Sexless Relationships? 

1) I really could see sexless if weight gain, or physically appalling was present. 

 2) Even not getting along with your husband can also be a great sex killer. But what if you've got all the “Bs” = beauty, brain, butt, boobs, and gets along great with your mate, yet he / she still have no desire to have sex with you? 
 
3) Is it because of ED? Some men suffer from the erectile dysfunction, and they don’t want to feel like a failure in their performance. Well, BG has gone as far as to get her husband some pills from their doctor, twice. And both times after he took them he said it nearly killed him and dismissed the pills.

Dearest BG is in a slow dying relationship. What her husband doesn’t realize is the toll it took on her self-esteem. Yes, this is the result for most women who are not being wooed, caressed, and touched. They become resentful, bitter, and cold. Why? Because rather than being sweet and loving, which would normally yield in the same reaction from the mate, but in a sexless relationship, there can only be a disappointment. She sweet and loving, he nonchalant and oblivious = he selfish, she resentful.

4) As I thought more about the question from the forum, and the details of the woman’s marriage – I thought could her husband be gay?  Funny, no one in that forum has even mentioned the possibility. He wants to stay, doesn't find her sexually attractive anymore, holds her at night, and says he loves her like a family member, someone very dear. I would say, it has very similar tones of a gay man. I suspect he is currently exploring his sexuality, but not ready to let go. He needs her for the front, and for the comfort of being loved, as the homosexual relationships tend to be promiscuous and not reliable for most couples.


3 Phases of Sexless Relationship Slow Death

There are three phases a sexless relationship usually experience. 
  • First phase, when one realizes that they are in a sexless relationship, they are worried. They want to fix it. They talk about it to their mate, and want to know why it happens. They both agree in getting help, finding ways to rekindle.
  • Second phase, nothing changes. There are many more years of sexless living, one mate is completely fine with it, while the other is torn to pieces. This phase lasts the longest. It goes and goes until the frustrated mate can no longer put-up, or realizes life is too short to be made miserable by someone. 
  • Third phase, the frustrated mate decides to, 1) find a sex buddy, 2) starts building a wall to protect her vulnerability. She retaliates, and starts living as a roommate, brother and sister, family style, 3) the frustrated partner becomes weak, starts being anything and everything just to have some intimacy. She becomes a sex slave. Giving but not getting back.
Whichever outcome the sexless relationship falls into. The bottom line is the frustrated partner eventually wakes up. 
up, or decides life is too short to be made miserable by another person. The same path applies to all the third phase choices, which is a decision to bury the relationship and move on.

To me, a sexless relationship is abusive like slow deaths. It isn't obvious, yet a person is trapped in the marriage and children, and for many people sex is considered a want not need. A sexless relationship is demeaning to the woman, it makes her feel like she is begging for attention. It is belittling her self-esteem, and mentally depressing.

I am sorry BG, my final conclusion after the research is that there is no happily ever after. The relationship has slowly died, as with the couple from the local magazine mentioned prior. They eventually divorced and went their separate ways. Even if you want it to work and pretend nothing has happened, it will surface again and again. Even if things seemed normal for the most part, you will remember all the pain and frustrations you've been through to successfully bring his libido up to par. This alone will make you sick to your stomach. Unless you’re a saint, there is very little willpower for you to pretend the last 15 years didn't cut like a knife. 

 Is there anything else a couple can do to improve their sex life? Can anyone explain why a man isn't as sexually driven as we think men are? 

 Update 4/29/15: If you think someone could benefit from this article, please share with them the link. There are also great information from the comments down below, be sure to check it out. 

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